So as you know I lost the weight. What I also lost in the process was my period. THIS right here should have been an inclination that something was wrong. THIS was a red flag that I lost a ton of weight too quickly and that I was underfeeding my body...I didn't know that...yet.
For a very long time I didn't think there was a problem. I thought I was the healthiest I've ever been! My parents did become concerned and so there were times I thought "hmm is there something wrong?" but anytime I went to the doctor and mentioned my lack of a period every single one of them said "not to worry, you're just very active- we can put you on birth control to regulate it if you'd like." That was it. I got the SAME response year after year after year. So I kept living my life the way I was, over exercising and under nourishing.
I continued eating the least amount of calories a possible and working out any chance I got.
I can remember all through my senior year I'd set my alarm clock early and wake up to squeeze in a quick ab workout before getting ready for school. My typical breakfast was a rice cake with apple butter and cinnamon on it (because PB had too many calories). Lunch would be a plain greek yogurt (no granola because it contained sugar and carbs) with a handful of some sort of vegetable on the side. Some days I'd put a quarter of a banana or some grapes into my yogurt but that was rare. Snacks consisted of either a fruit or a vegetable and dinner was my biggest meal which was always a huge salad full of random veggies, half a potato and a little bit of whatever my mom made that night. If I had any dessert it would be a one way ticket down to the basement to run on the treadmill until I thought I ran it off.
Life started to become not fun. I was afraid to go out with friends because I didn't want to eat bad. I was afraid to go to family functions because I would work so hard to try and avoid "bad" foods there. I just stayed home because it was safe and I could control everything. Always worrying about what I was going to eat, trying to stay below 1,500 calories and obsessing over how much Could move/workout in one day was mentally exhausting but I did it for so long that that was all I knew. All of the things I used to enjoy doing (drawing, painting, hanging out with friends) took a seat on the side line while my disordered eating ran my life.
** The picture below was me at my smallest. This was me my senior year of high school. Now looking back I can't believe that I let it get this far. Those XS short and that XS T-shirt looked baggy on me...no wonder why my parents were worried. Like I said, you live and you learn but unfortunately it took a long time (years) to learn that I was damaging my body. It kept giving me signs but I kept ignoring them...I was always cold! I'm talking long sleeves in the middle of summer, scarves at work in the summer, tons of layers! I no longer got hunger cues. My body was so used me not feeding it that it figured it would conserve energy. My hair was brittle and would fall out so easily. And the biggest red flag of all...my absent period.
